lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
