If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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