I'm gonna have a badass scar
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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