I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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