On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I fill condoms, not promises.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
