The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
