Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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