I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
