There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
