I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
