I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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