Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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