do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
