what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
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I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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