dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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