is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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