If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
