just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
