I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
