who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
