Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
