went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
