TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
