Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
