Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
