I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
