If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
