You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
