I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
