Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
