Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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