Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she looked like the before picture.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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