If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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