what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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