I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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