So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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