just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize