Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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