Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
