I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
