i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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