I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think my moral compass just broke
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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