HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't put those talents on a resume
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
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