not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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