Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
