he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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