How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
