I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
