I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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