I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
