It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
