I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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