Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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