ADVERTISEMENT

• (334): View more from Alabama

  How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

  Fav 4 3551 1307

  share tweet
  

• (714): View more from California

  Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.

  Fav 8 2107 4001

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (440): View more from Ohio

  He called his prostate his "boner button".

  Fav 17 1914 3640

  share tweet
  

• (831): View more from California

  i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something

  Fav 10 1917 1012

  share tweet
  

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  $100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.

  Fav 16 2816 847

  share tweet
  

• (520): View more from Arizona

  you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

  Fav 4 2004 1105

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (801): View more from Utah

  Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know

  Fav 2 909 715

  share tweet
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.

  Fav 2 458 837

  share tweet
  

• (856): View more from New Jersey

  and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time

  Fav 1 942 555

  share tweet
  

• (785): View more from Kansas

  You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal

  Fav 2 361 579

  share tweet
  

• (502): View more from Kentucky

  He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.

  Fav 0 492 183

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (360): View more from Washington

  I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday

  (360): View more from Washington

  It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year

  Fav 1 273 162

  share tweet
  

• (303): View more from Colorado

  You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.

  Fav 0 398 165

  share tweet
  

• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment

  Fav 2 282 203

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (901): View more from Tennessee

  That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana

  Fav 0 59 14

  share tweet
  

Randomize