The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
